How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
