Will you blow on my dice?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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