My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
