I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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