Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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