I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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