I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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