i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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