ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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