The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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