dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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