I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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