I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
