I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
