Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
