You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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