and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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