Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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