she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
