Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My balls are so social today.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
