I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
