hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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