this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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