3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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