I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
