24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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