Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
