I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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