remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
