Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We are all done wearing pants today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
