Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
