my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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