so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
