Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
