i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
