Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't deserve a penis
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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