apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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