My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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