Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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