drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
