What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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