so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and she was petting her beer can
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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