So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
