And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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