1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
