Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
