I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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