i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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