I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
