My liver just broke up with me...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
