i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
