I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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