I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
