I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
