I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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