I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
