85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
