please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
