he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize